Love and respect

My husband is a changed man now. He still nags every now and then but I let it in one ear, out the other and out the window. The truth is that men nag more than women. It's not just your husband. Don't feel unlucky in any way. You did not get married to a rotten apple. Men are men.

He is now much happier and tries his very best to be nice to the kids. He blows up at them every now and then but is no longer a monster the whole day. He is trying to talk nicely to them and even started 'teasing' with them a little which is really the best he can do. But they seem to like it.

He has finally signed himself up for a course after not working for a year and a half, and not knowing what to do with his life. Now he actually has a plan to take up welding so he can work for a certain company.

He takes the kids to a megachurch nearby but without me -- I refuse to go because I am actually pastoring in my parents church I grew up in, albeit online -- it's been hard for my kids to go to an online church. I'm working on this.

Sometimes we have to choose between saving a situation or saving your marriage. Let him make mistakes. Some people only learn the hard way. Men are some people.

He deserves your respect. At all times. Even when he is wrong. To men, respect is love. They can't tell the difference. Failing to respect is failing to love. Taking over the wheel when he makes a mistake is not respect, and not love.

I have been the only one apologizing the entire time -- I complained to God about that but whenever my husband gets angry at me, He still gives me scripture like "if your brother sins against you and repents, you are still to forgive him up to 77X7 times". And I am like... "But he didn't repent.. I am the one apologizing all the time, this is so unfair!" But I know what God means, I just don't understand why I have to be the one apologizing all the time. I really wanted to call this marriage off so many times. Like what's the point of a marriage without love, right? But there is love -- somewhere in the future, I just couldn't see it yet. 

God wanted me to win my husband over. I am not saying I did, but I can say I tried and it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

We are still living with my parents -- we bought a house together -- it was our loan and their down payment. And I know a lot of people wouldn't agree to this but we are asians and in our culture, one of the kids has to live with parents because sending them to aged care is "the most heartless and irresponsible thing one can do".

Divorce is certainly the devil's way out to destroy families for generations-- not just yours but your kids' and their children; it hardly ever ends.

My husband wants me to work to earn 'big money' as I am more highly educated. When we got together, I was actually his employer. So I guess that made me suspicious like -- is he marrying me for the money -- because he keeps nagging about me not working and not bringing in money. But I am a homeschooling mom and my kids come first so it is non-negotiable. He still nags about that but less.

 It all started when I saw someone post about "how can I love my husband more?". It really inspired me and I needed more, but I also needed to fix my marriage so I complained about it in another post, and I thought I was going to get pity parties but I had a nice whipping from more than half the moms about respect, and they turned the tables back on me and made me realize that I wasn't as perfect as I thought. And couldn't figure out how they were right on about certain things that I did not even share. 

So I started giving my husband massages in the morning. Felt super cheap as it went against what I thought of how women should be respected. But I think that was the turning point in my marriage. 

I also learned not to answer back. The stuff he was saying was really 'toxic' and 'bad for my mental health' and many will say, 'verbal abuse', and to get a divorce for my own good but that's all new age woke thinking that has crept into our church. Women are not lame-brained. We aren't that weak. And our loveless marriage is not loveless until both parties give up loving. 

Lately, I also bumped into a reel about asking my spouse, "What can I do to love you today?" And he was so touched that he even asked me back that question. 

So, nothing fancy but I just persist in loving my husband by doing whatever he needs help in, lay my lady-ego aside, and my 'rights' as a women, my 'independence', and 'feminism' -- I am not saying you have any but I sure did. I don't have to prove anything and neither do I need to make him regret everything by "finally leaving" him. 

And I sure can't force him to love me. God gave him a dream that I packed my bags to leave with the kids, and he was totally heartbroken. But I have to say that it was all God and I didn't do that one.

I have no more expectations on him, not even to earn money. I do whatever I can like I am a single mother. And if the house is messy, so be it. I don't tell him to do any chores -- even when he is not working. But on his own, he does the laundry and washes the dishes. A man can't be a man by being told what to do, so I don't tell and I don't expect. He can choose to do nothing and still have my respect and love and he knows that.