Decision Maker

Is your husband wanting you to make all the decisions?

First, think about him, not you. That’s love, right? Not about your rights as a woman and spouse, but why he is doing what he is doing.

Men are made differently. If you read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, you’ll have a better understanding — that in their minds, it’s all about “Do I have what it takes to be a man?” But when that man does not have confidence in himself, he would push all decision making on to you. My husband is just the same.

Why he doesn’t have confidence is probably the result of how he was brought up as a child - violence at home, abusive father, etc.

So, now knowing the reason behind it, there are a few things to do as a wife:

1. Make the decisions and take the blame for everything. Your husband has given this job to you because he doesn’t want to take the blame. The truth is, no matter what decision you make, he will complain and point the finger at you. And if you choose not to make the decision, he will be upset with you either way. So just take the blame, the complains, the nagging, etc. but don’t take any of it personally, and definitely don’t take it to heart. Let it out the other ear and out the window.

2. He needs assurance that he does have what it takes to be a man. Praise him for every minor thing he actually does. His inability to provide fhis family is making his self esteem even worse than it was before. So cut him some slack and give him a pet on the back for the slightest of things. Men want to hear that they are needed and wanted. They want to hear that they are a real man. So lots of praise directly and indirectly — tell your kids to respect him and honor him. Be appreciative for everything he does, and love a ton.

3. Lower your expectancies to a complete zero. You heard me. Don’t expect anything at all. Not even taking out the trash. If he wants to do it, let him do it without you mentioning it. Don’t ask him for any favors or to do anything at all if possible. Why? Because he can’t be a man just by following the instructions of a woman — or at least, he won’t think he can. Let him make the initiative. If everything falls on you and you can’t cope and end up with a dirty house and get scolded for it, so be it. Let the complains be in the ear and out the window. Just do your best, and let him think for himself. Don’t do the thinking for him. 

4. Love, love, love. This group has helped me so much in this area. I also watched a short clip on someone saying that every morning, he would ask his wife, “How do you want me to love you today?” And he has to do whatever she says. I tried this and I know he was touched and changed. Before that, I would also give him a massage in the morning (totally against my ‘honor women’ culture), but it shows love.

5. Pray for him, of course. I’m sure you’re already doing that.

Whatever I am telling you is from my own experience. He’s a gem now. Before this, I was in a loveless marriage. So I’m glad for what I have now.

Now my husband did his own research to find a course on engineering, made up his mind on getting a job on welding, started working on DIY projects all around the house, and is a sweet, loving hubby. And started correcting the kids gently. He is a totally changed man. Occasionally turns into his old self but only when dinner is late, he doesn’t have enough sleep, or kids screw up, we’re late for an appointment, etc. but on normal days, he is a great husband and father.