POV: Your husband comes home expecting the house to be clean -- you, a stay at home mom with kids under five find this exhausting, overwhelming and husband, demanding. You start wandering why you are responsible for cleaning everything. Then, start demanding for.. your rights...
My answer:
First of all, the heart. Always the heart. If you were a non-Christian, it wouldn't matter. But you are a Christian couple, so we have to see the Jesus side of things. So first off, we deal with the heart. I see where you are coming from, but then again. I also see the hurt, the disappointment and the feeling that this is really unfair. That marriage and basically this whole world is screwed up. It's not. It is culture and expectation that is. From the beginning, God made us equal, so it has always been fair. Now we move on to what went wrong..
No expectation, no disappointment. On both sides. The wife is the woman of the house. Adam was created outside the garden while Eve was created inside. But don't get me wrong -- it doesn't mean it is your responsibility alone. In fact, it means it is your domain and you get to do what is in your heart with it -- to turn a house into a home. The ideal is obviously what he and I am sure you as well, have in mind -- a clean, tidy and comfortable place for the family. But having most kids under 5 is generally exhausting and difficult to keep up with.
That is when disappointments come in -- on both sides. You have to admit -- you must be disappointed with yourself, too. In our hearts, I am sure every wife would wish their husbands came home to a clean place and find their house to be a place they can unwind and call home.
Every wife would want that, but when we disappoint ourselves, it's.. well.. even more disappointing, but that's you and you can deal with your own disappointments. The problem here is that he had the same expectations -- and you can't deal with that -- are they founded? Does he have a right to have those expectations as well?
Generally, no. You can set a high standard for yourself but he needs to help you achieve that, not add to it. We both know he is wrong in this matter -- but -- if you want to fix that about him, that would really make you his mother, in that sense. Our job is to fix the house, not fix the husband. That is something we need to leave to God to deal with.
So as a Christian, I am going to have to emphasize that our job is not to point out his faults but to bear with him -- in one ear, out the other, and out the window. Don't take anything personally and definitely, don't take anything to heart. Let it go, sister. Pray and let God deal with him. He needs time to grow up.
Now, we move on to you. Once again, you're a Christian and we need to take that into account -- that means, higher standards when it comes to the heart -- so, we have to analyse ourselves where we go wrong as well, as a wife in terms of expectations.
Yes, WE have expectations on our husbands as well. We expect our husbands to grow up, to mature, to "help out" (as if it's all our job and they're HELPING us do our job -- I'll get to that later), no, cleaning up is every household member's job-- kids and adults alike, -- but all these expectations on him to help around lead to disappointments -- and disappointments can lead to sin if we allow disappointments to get to the heart.
So the heart is the issue here -- not the house, not the man, and certainly not the disappointments. So, as a Christian, we have to keep our hearts pure -- no judging, no fighting for our rights -- because we can either choose to fight for our rights or we can choose to fight for our marriage -- we really can't fight for both.
Now, don't get me wrong -- I didn't say you can't HAVE both. You can. But you can't FIGHT for both. Our rights are something we have always had from the beginning of the world -- there is no reason to fight for something that is already yours. And you still have the right to walk out. That is everyone's right. But that should not always be everyone's go to when problems arise.
We have a right but we choose not to use it. We have a right to walk out but you also have every right to stay. And the more you fight for your marriage, the more you will want to put down the rights to walk out because they're coming in the way of your marriage.
Again, I am not saying you have no rights in marriage -- you do have equal rights -- I am saying that this is not about rights at all. Yes, believe it or not -- it's nothing to do with your rights -- demanding for your rights is not going to mean anything.
In fact, it is a lie of the devil that the reason why you feel unfair is because you have no rights -- that is a lie. The reason why you feel this is unfair is indeed because he had expectations that were unfair to you -- that has nothing to do with rights. But you see how the devil twists this around to make women think it is about rights. It isn't. But we are blinded. And we start fighting for rights we already possess.
So, again, our heart -- no expectations on the man to clean up, no disappointments. Let this one go as well. Let. It. Go. Don't expect your man to do anything. Really. You can expect your kids to clean up and nag them about it, but not your husband. Why? Because you are not his mother.
Now, let's get back to HELPING. Who's really helping who? The Bible says that women are the HELPERS. Does that mean we are the servants? Not at all. I'd like to think that means this whole house is really HIS job and we are just HELPING :)
My answer:
First of all, the heart. Always the heart. If you were a non-Christian, it wouldn't matter. But you are a Christian couple, so we have to see the Jesus side of things. So first off, we deal with the heart. I see where you are coming from, but then again. I also see the hurt, the disappointment and the feeling that this is really unfair. That marriage and basically this whole world is screwed up. It's not. It is culture and expectation that is. From the beginning, God made us equal, so it has always been fair. Now we move on to what went wrong..
No expectation, no disappointment. On both sides. The wife is the woman of the house. Adam was created outside the garden while Eve was created inside. But don't get me wrong -- it doesn't mean it is your responsibility alone. In fact, it means it is your domain and you get to do what is in your heart with it -- to turn a house into a home. The ideal is obviously what he and I am sure you as well, have in mind -- a clean, tidy and comfortable place for the family. But having most kids under 5 is generally exhausting and difficult to keep up with.
That is when disappointments come in -- on both sides. You have to admit -- you must be disappointed with yourself, too. In our hearts, I am sure every wife would wish their husbands came home to a clean place and find their house to be a place they can unwind and call home.
Every wife would want that, but when we disappoint ourselves, it's.. well.. even more disappointing, but that's you and you can deal with your own disappointments. The problem here is that he had the same expectations -- and you can't deal with that -- are they founded? Does he have a right to have those expectations as well?
Generally, no. You can set a high standard for yourself but he needs to help you achieve that, not add to it. We both know he is wrong in this matter -- but -- if you want to fix that about him, that would really make you his mother, in that sense. Our job is to fix the house, not fix the husband. That is something we need to leave to God to deal with.
So as a Christian, I am going to have to emphasize that our job is not to point out his faults but to bear with him -- in one ear, out the other, and out the window. Don't take anything personally and definitely, don't take anything to heart. Let it go, sister. Pray and let God deal with him. He needs time to grow up.
Now, we move on to you. Once again, you're a Christian and we need to take that into account -- that means, higher standards when it comes to the heart -- so, we have to analyse ourselves where we go wrong as well, as a wife in terms of expectations.
Yes, WE have expectations on our husbands as well. We expect our husbands to grow up, to mature, to "help out" (as if it's all our job and they're HELPING us do our job -- I'll get to that later), no, cleaning up is every household member's job-- kids and adults alike, -- but all these expectations on him to help around lead to disappointments -- and disappointments can lead to sin if we allow disappointments to get to the heart.
So the heart is the issue here -- not the house, not the man, and certainly not the disappointments. So, as a Christian, we have to keep our hearts pure -- no judging, no fighting for our rights -- because we can either choose to fight for our rights or we can choose to fight for our marriage -- we really can't fight for both.
Now, don't get me wrong -- I didn't say you can't HAVE both. You can. But you can't FIGHT for both. Our rights are something we have always had from the beginning of the world -- there is no reason to fight for something that is already yours. And you still have the right to walk out. That is everyone's right. But that should not always be everyone's go to when problems arise.
We have a right but we choose not to use it. We have a right to walk out but you also have every right to stay. And the more you fight for your marriage, the more you will want to put down the rights to walk out because they're coming in the way of your marriage.
Again, I am not saying you have no rights in marriage -- you do have equal rights -- I am saying that this is not about rights at all. Yes, believe it or not -- it's nothing to do with your rights -- demanding for your rights is not going to mean anything.
In fact, it is a lie of the devil that the reason why you feel unfair is because you have no rights -- that is a lie. The reason why you feel this is unfair is indeed because he had expectations that were unfair to you -- that has nothing to do with rights. But you see how the devil twists this around to make women think it is about rights. It isn't. But we are blinded. And we start fighting for rights we already possess.
So, again, our heart -- no expectations on the man to clean up, no disappointments. Let this one go as well. Let. It. Go. Don't expect your man to do anything. Really. You can expect your kids to clean up and nag them about it, but not your husband. Why? Because you are not his mother.
In fact, if he messes up, you have three options -- you can be nice and HELP him, you can ask the kids if they would like to help him (yes, you can) or you can even leave it there for him to pick up after himself. But you should never ever demand him to do anything. Ask nicely, but do not demand. Unless again, you want to be his mom.
I refuse to mother my husband, so I will not, after more than 10 years of my marriage life, ever ask him to do a single chore. If it's his mess, I mostly leave it. When guests come and it needs to be picked up, I either get the kids to help him or I clean it up myself, in the most wifey loving way, as a gift. Not because it is my job. It isn't. I am merely doing a favour. Sometimes I like to do a makeover, but that is my choice, because I am an amazing wife and I want to impress him. It is not my job to clean up after him because I am not his mother.
And even if I was his mother, it is not my job to clean up after him because as mothers, it is our job to teach our kids to clean up after themselves, not to clean up after them (once they are capable). Chores are something a mother should only do when kids aren't capable. Once they are capable, our responsibility shifts from doing the chores to teaching them how to. I can't emphasize that enough.
Now, let's get back to HELPING. Who's really helping who? The Bible says that women are the HELPERS. Does that mean we are the servants? Not at all. I'd like to think that means this whole house is really HIS job and we are just HELPING :)
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