The Learned

1. She has to clean up 2. No access to art supplies 3. Full attention required at all times. Difficult but true. You basically have to tie her to yourself.

He's in a better place. Talking and screaming to God is definitely ok. I hope u don't get to that place but if that's all that comes up, then it might just have to do because God hears and He listens. He knows and He is with you right now. Turning you into a widow is definitely not the plan. And not everything bad that happens is God's fault. But all things work out for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purposes. And He will turn your sorrow into joy. He will turn things around for you. I'm sure of it.

as two nations mourn the death of a young girl laid to rest in peace finally she now lives eternally - Tribute to Megan, 2015-2020

Been there. It hurts and you wish it didn't. She's moved on but what you've got is an imagination of a potential that there might be something there for you but there really isn't and no, she's not going to change her mind about you. There's zero chance. You might even lose her as a friend. That's sad, too. The truth is things will never be the same again. Yes, you've got to let her go, both as a potential and a friend. That's love. To love a person so much, that you would let them go and be free to love someone they really do love, even if that person is not you. I don't usually say this, but go find a game you like to play, get some dopamine and enjoy yourself. She's gone. Also, depending on how long you have been close, that's how long it usually takes to get over it... 

He washes you clean by His blood.  1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. You also need to confess with your mouth:  1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When all that is done, forgive yourself.

That's not nice. I hate having to do something that gives me anxiety. But then again, just about every job we have will give us a certain amount of it. If I were you, I'd try to forge a plan where I only have a certain amount of years left to do this while I work towards getting myself out of that misery. For example, save enough to buy a property you can rent out or learn to do some crypto trading. Something with less anxiety but enough to earn as much.