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Helping children cope with nighttime fears: A checklist
• Always question parenting advice that encourages parents to leave distressed children alone at night. As noted above, kids lack the coping tools to work things out by themselves. And even advocates of “cry-it-out” strategies of sleep training warn that such approaches are inappropriate for young babies and children who are especially fearful or anxious (France and Blampied 1999; Owens et al 1999).• Consider sources of daily stress. Kids who suffer from daytime anxieties—about school, separation from parents, or other concerns—are more likely to fear the dark and fear sleeping alone (Gregory and Eley 2005). You may be able to reduce your child’s nighttime fears by helping him cope with daytime stress.
• Review your child’s sleep requirements and sleep schedule. Sometimes parents overestimate how much sleep their children need. As a result, they send their kids to bed long before kids can fall asleep. Kids left to stew in the dark have more time to dwell on nighttime fears (Ferber 1995).
• Avoid frightening television, stories, and imagery—especially before bedtime. This includes passive exposure, which occurs when your child is present while you watch potentially disturbing material on TV. A recent study reported that 5-6 year olds exposed to adult TV programs—including the evening news—slept less overall and experienced more sleep disturbances (Paavonen et al 2006).
• Fight fear with the power of touch. Physical affection switches off separation anxiety (Panskepp 2006).
• Try to be patient. If your child’s nighttime fears are depriving you of sleep, it’s natural to feel resentment. But it’s important not to direct anger or irritation at your child. If your child feels rejected, this will only intensify his separation anxiety and make things worse.
• Respond promptly to nightmares. Assure your child that the nightmare wasn’t real, and explain that everybody has nightmares sometimes. The more quickly you break the spell of a frightening dream, the more quickly your child can get back to sleep.
• Provide your child with a night light. As you and your child works through her nighttime fears, you can switch to progressively dimmer lights (Glaze 2004).
• Be a model of calm, confident behavior. When your child comes to you in a fearful state, be warm, sensitive and responsive. Tell him you understand that he is scared, and that everybody gets scared sometimes. But don’t let sympathy turn into overprotectiveness. Many animals—ranging from birds to monkeys—are sensitive to social cues about fear (Zentall and Galef 1988). They pick up fears by watching others model them. Kids are no exception. If your child believes you are worried or anxious, he may become more fearful.
• When possible, show your child proof that his fears are unfounded. As noted above, young children lack the developmental skills to distinguish appearances from reality. For these kids, telling them that there is no monster is in the closet is not enough. They need you to actually look and confirm that all is well.
• Show your child how to relax. For instance, as you soothe a crying child, you can show her breathing exercises. In a study aimed at reducing anxiety in young children scheduled for a medical procedure, researchers taught kids how to take slow, deep breaths by having them exhale into party blowers (Jay et al 1987). These breathing exercises appeared to reduce distress in 40% of the kids.
• Counteract frightening thoughts with images of happiness, safety, and bravery. When he is fearful, help your child think of situations that make him feel happy and in control. For instance, you might encourage him to imagine he is playing with his favorite pet. You might also have your child practice telling himself that he is brave. This technique was used in the study mentioned above (Jay et al 1987).
• Teach coping skills through role playing. Many kids overcome their fear of medical check-ups by playing doctor. You can apply this approach to nighttime fears as well. During the daytime, talk about your child’s fears and discuss how she can counteract them. Help your child practice the tactics mentioned above—thinking happy thoughts, telling oneself that one is brave, rehearsing relaxing techniques, and transforming frightening imaginary creatures into something silly and non-threatening. Then try a little role playing (Jay et al 1987). If you have another adult or older child to help, the two of you can act out the parts of frightened child and helpful parent. The parent shows the child how to counter her nighttime fears, and the child tries each technique out. After this demonstration, have the child play the part of the comforting adult. You—or a favorite toy—can take the part of the fearful child.
• During the daytime, create stories with your child in which the protagonist (your child’s favorite fictional character or hero) learns to overcome his nighttime fears. This technique—called story desensitization—is designed to make children less fearful by having them confront their fears in small steps (King et al 2001). Start by telling a story that lacks any frightening elements. Then introduce something that is just a little bit scary. For instance, if your child is afraid of spiders, you might add a very small, non-threatening spider to the story (one that keeps its distance from the hero). The hero responds by successfully practicing the fear management techniques mentioned above. If this story doesn’t distress your child, you can intensify the frightening element in the next story—perhaps by making the spider come closer. In this way, you may gradually desensitize your child’s fears.
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